my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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