I got her a Nickelback box set.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
