she woke up with a sticky ear
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
