PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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