she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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