dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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