my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
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