I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So squirting runs in the family.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
