i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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