Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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