This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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