I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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