Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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