DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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