how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
