Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
