ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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