You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
