just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
