I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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