i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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