tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The police scanner is talking about you again....
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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