Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she told me i tasted like america
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
