All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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