I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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