my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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