I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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