i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
