Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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