apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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