I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
