She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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