Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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