I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
