I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
