It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
