take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
