i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
