In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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