if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
