I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
