I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
