I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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