I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
