Small penises have feelings too.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
