I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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