chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
and you fell through a lawn chair
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
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