No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
