so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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