His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
