I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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