i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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